Q&A With "Shameless" Author Pamela Madsen

What motivated you to write the book?
I wanted other people – but mostly women – to know that they’re not alone wrestling with their deepest longings and dilemmas around pleasure, of whatever kind. And that there are ways to acknowledge and accept who you are at your core and not have to throw over everything you cherish. Once I owned up to my untapped desires, I discovered a wellspring of happiness and self-confidence inside me that extended to every part of my life. Whoa! I thought. This is incredible!

Everyone should know they have the power to experience life in all its richness right now, just as they are. No diets, no plastic surgery, no nothing. Just intact, healthy sexuality. If I can stop warring with my weight and workaholism, I think most people can. I know that when I stopped denying my hearty and normal sexual appetites, I started losing my uncontrollable urges to overeat, overwork and over-compensate. For the first time, I could relax in my own skin. Admitting your desires takes a tanker-load of courage and a rip-stop web of support. That’s what I’m here to provide. That’s my mission.

What has the reaction been from women and men?
I can honestly say the reaction has been one of overwhelming support and gratitude. Men and women of all sexual orientations and ages are so relieved to hear an honest voice talking about sex, desires, self-acceptance, body image, fear and love. It never ceases to amaze me how many people come to readings, call in radio shows or post blog comments cheering me on and asking the million questions they’ve never felt safe asking before. Mostly people are starving for connection and to know that their feelings of discontent or even what kind of hungers they have are well within the norm. Of course, there are people who are completely freaked out. Not often, but I get zinged with knee-jerk judgment because I’ve carved my own unique path. I’ve been accused of everything from selfishness and narcissism to bad parenting and perhaps most unthinkable, lousy wife-ing. It’s a little weird to hear that when it’s so far from my truth. But I welcome any and all comers. I believe this dialog is so important for all of us.

What was your husband and sons’ reactions to the book?
They’re proud of me. They think the messages in Shameless are important and are working to help me get the word out. None of them has read the book but my men know what’s in it. This is how my family is – we support each other. From my earliest days as an outspoken, high profile advocate for infertility patients – talk about difficult subjects, dark secrets, and shame – they’ve marched alongside me. Over the years we’ve seen the positive impact we have by shining a light on our personal situation with honesty and integrity. And, oh yeah, humor. We helped humanize, demystify and help normalize infertility. My boys were cheerfully, knowledgeably chatting about their In Vitro Fertilization beginnings in front of the media when polite society still called it voodoo. They got to see firsthand that the personal is political.

My husband? What can I say? He’s been my staunchest ally and partner for 30 years. I’m not saying it’s always easy, but I can say we’re a pretty together family. We all discussed the book before I started writing it. I explained how my search for a small, simple experience turned into a quest for healthy, integrated sexuality and self-acceptance. I don’t think they even blinked. They just gave me a big fat, ‘You go girl.” And I did.

What advice do you offer women too scared or shy to take the measures you took?
I'm the first one to say that my journey or my pleasure may not be the same for everyone. But there's no getting around open-hearted self-examination. If you feel stuck repeating old and unhappy patterns, it's time to look at what you do with a soft, complete honesty. Start small and private. Help yourself figure out what gives you pleasure simply by looking through a magazine and seeing which images turn you on or make you smile. Rip them out, put them in a private notebook. Maybe write a few lines about your reactions without taking time to think about it first. Once you get comfortable with that, talk to a friend or go online and take a virtual tour of the sex world. No one knows you're there but you. But I bet you'll find your desires reflected in the books, lingerie and films that millions of others peruse. There's nothing that makes you braver than knowing you're not alone.

You lost your position with the American Fertility Association – do you have any regrets?
I'm neither willing nor able to talk about The AFA. Regret? Regret I have lots to say about. First, I don't have any. That's not to say I don't have a big fat conscience. I do. I always think about what I'm doing and the possible effect it may have on my husband or sons. If it feels wrong to me, in my most honest heart, I don't do it. But I've learned through some hard, hard times that the only thing I'd regret is not taking leaps I knew I should have taken. Otherwise regret is a hindrance to learning who you are and loving that person as is. I'm proud to own my past and I learn from it. Regret would be a waste of time and energy.

Do you think your marriage would have lasted if you hadn’t sought out “true pleasure?”
Yes. My husband and I are connected through history, our children, or extended families and our mutual support. But, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun because finding and accepting "true pleasure" has made me a much nicer, kinder, more open-hearted person. That, in turn, has allowed my husband to soften, too, and has helped him allow pleasure into his life as well.

In the book, you describe how resistant your husband was to participating with you in sexual healing. Has he since become more involved?
Uh, no.

Is it fair to expect significant others to participate?
It depends on what your desires are versus those of your significant other. Sure, it's fair to ask your partner to participate but (s)he may not necessarily jump on board. Your passion may not be his or hers. It’s reasonable to expect judgment-free acceptance. Remember, just because a desire is expressed that doesn't mean it must be acted upon. In the discussion of partners' respective sexual wants, you may find a new approach to each other neither of you ever considered before.

Does the fact that your husband hasn't become more involved bother you now (or as much) as it did in the beginning?
That was something my husband and I worked through. Honestly, it doesn't bother me at all. The thing is, in any marriage there are two adult beings with distinct sexual identities. Sometimes they overlap and sometimes they don't. There’s got to be room for that if a partnership is going to flourish. That's what we've created in our marriage – room for each of us to be and be comfortable.

What advice do you have for other women with reluctant husbands?
Take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. In the end, it is about you, not him. What do you need? What obstacles are standing in your way to find your own sexual identity? I think once we get that figured out, the partnership questions start to fall into place. The fact is that your husband may not be able to meet you in every place that you want to be met sexually. So how do you feed that to yourself?

Pamela Madsen is the Founder of The American Fertility Association, and one of the nation's most outspoken and media-genic fertility and sexuality educators and advocates. Pamela has participated in more than 1,500 interviews with print, online, and broadcast media including appearances on Oprah, Dateline NBC, Today, and 60 Minutes. She currently lives in the Riverdale section of New York City with her husband of 28 years and their two sons.