Meet to Marry | Book Review
Meet to Marry (MTM) is a coaching program for “marriage-minded singles” comprised of three sections: “Assess, Attract, and Act to get you fully ready to begin dating for marriage…” First, you must assess readiness for marriage, identify blind spots and move beyond fear and past behaviors/perceptions. Second, you must identify ways to attract you ideal spouse. Third, you must learn how to date for marriage success.
Written by dating coach Bari Lyman, MTM argues in favor of marriage as the quintessential human relationship we can have in our lives. Lyman uses the following Harold S. Kushner quote from his book Living a Life that Matters:
“…Love is the most accessible way we have of being supremely important in another person’s life. It meets our need to matter…We cannot live without the knowledge that someone cares about us, and marriage provides the most accessible way of having that need met. Various alternatives to marriage (including living together without ceremony and with both partners having the freedom to leave whenever they feel their needs not being met) have never managed to be as nourishing to the soul as the thousands-of-years-old institution of marriage. The alternatives carry a message of “you can be replaced” instead of “you matter to me more than anyone else in the world.”
Thus, the crux of Lyman’s position, lies in this belief in marriage as an important goal – a goal that requires effort. She writes, “We say we want to get married, but then we don’t make dating a priority. We allow ourselves to be negative and cynical. We make excuses. We think no one is good enough.” As much as you may wish for it, your ideal partner is unlikely to magically appear on your doorstep. At some point, desire must stimulate action.
“Your future is in your hands and in your thoughts,” Lyman writes. This point is important because too often daters become dejected, especially as they grow older but no less single. “Good things come to those who wait” and “You’ll meet him/her when you least expect it” are common phrases that do little to cheer up singles who want nothing more than to marry. However, who wants to date Mr./Ms. Negative? Lyman isn’t suggesting you fake cheerfulness, but, rather, you change your attitude and perspective. Realize timeframes work differently and “we have what we have in our lives because that’s how we set it up.”
So, how does this change occur? Lyman offers suggestions in the form of a dating-for-marriage model and tips for what to look for in a marriage partner.
Twenty-First-Century Dating-for-Marriage Model
1. Seek out and use a successful, happily married and experienced mentor.
2. Do research in advance and meet only after establishing that you could be a good match (based on common vision, values, goals, admiration, and inspiration).
3. Keep the first meeting short to see if there’s a spark.
4. Have authentic, meaningful conversations.
5. Maintain physical boundaries—this is a potential spouse.
6. Have faith that you will meet the right one.
What to Look for in a Marriage Partner
1. Find someone whose personality you love. Can you communicate deeply with this person? Do you feel an attraction and an emotional bond?
2. Find someone you admire (would want to be like). Does this person exhibit the personal qualities and values that are important to you? Does he/she have the capacity to meet your emotional needs?
3. Find someone with common vision, values, and goals. Does this person share your vision of the future related to family, religion, money and where and how to live both long-term and short term?
Perhaps Lyman’s most important point is that dating to date is different than dating for marriage. Dating for marriage involves thoughtful consideration that begins by looking within. You must understand yourself before you can choose an appropriate mate. “Be the one to find the one,” Lyman writes.
Visit http://www.meettomarry.com/ for more information and to purchase Meet to Marry.
