The Dos and Don'ts of Meeting The Family

The holidays are a hectic time of present buying and party scheduling, and for some of us, this time of year brings yet another source of stress: meeting the parents. Don't go home for the holidays with your new guy without reading these dos and don'ts first.

Do: Show up with a smile on your face and an occasion appropriate outfit.
I don't need to tell you that first impressions mean everything. These people could be your in-laws and the grandparents of your children, and while I don't want to freak you out and say that how you present yourself in this situation could affect the rest of your life, fact is, it kind of could. Prepare yourself accordingly by wearing suitable attire (definitely no mid-drifts or ripped jeans) and erring on the side of more formal than casual if you're not sure of the dress code (trust me, asking your boyfriend will likely yield little more than a shoulder shrug). Obviously, this doesn't mean that you have to don a ball gown. But, when in doubt, a skirt is better than jeggings.

Don't: Show up empty handed.
You don't need to wow the fam with an elaborate Harry & David basket or a vintage bottle of wine, but good manners dictate you bring a gift when invited over for the holidays (or even to just a family dinner, actually). Make some cookies or stop by Trader Joes for something festive and inexpensive. (One word of caution: Ask your significant other before bringing any kind of alcohol in case his family doesn't drink.)

Do: Ask if you can help.
Even if you're a far cry from the likes of Julia Child, check in with your boyfriend's mom—or whomever is doing the cooking—to see if you can be of assistance. This will give you an activity, so you're not glued to your guy's side while he watches football with his brother. And, cooking together is a great way to get to know someone without feeling pressure. Since you'll be focusing on the task you're given, and doing something with your hands, you're less likely to fidget or let nerves get the best of you.

Don't: Be antisocial.
If his family caters their holiday meal or there is nothing to do to keep you busy, try to not rely on your Smartphone as a reprieve from not knowing what to say or do. Not only will you come off as disinterested and snobby, typing away on your gadget keeps you from getting to know your guy's family, which is the whole point of your presence.

Do: Participate in dinner conversation.
It can be difficult to break into a group of very talkative people who all know each other really well and it's another kind of challenge to strike up a conversation with a quiet crew. The best way to navigate either kind of family is to ask questions. Where did his mom get her sweet potato recipe? How long has his brother played soccer? Even if you feel comfortable, what's the most embarrassing story from your boyfriend's childhood?

Don't: Make the holiday all about you.
Maybe his family isn't so welcoming. Maybe your guy is terrible at including you in conversations. Maybe you can’t shake feeling super awkward. Whatever. While you're an important guest at this holiday gathering, you are not the focal point. Don't drag your boyfriend into the laundry room to rant about how poorly the night is going. Buck up, sister. Realize that you create your own situation and change your no-can-do attitude into a positive one.

Do: Follow the house rules.
If you spending the night, it is essential you follow restrictions or customs his parents set, whether the two of you must sleep in separate rooms or wake up at 7a.m. for breakfast. Again, your visit is not all about you. You should respect his parents enough to follow their rules and join them in their plans. One night of less sex and less sleep will not kill you. Promise.

Don't: Expect his family to be the same as yours.
One thing you'll learn right off the bat—especially if a boyfriend has never taken you home to meet the clan before—is that other people's families are, well, weird. In that they aren't yours. Maybe your mom is a gourmet chef who whips up every side dish from scratch, while his prefers boxed stuffing and instant mashed potatoes. Maybe your parents are reserved while his let it all (well, hopefully not all) hang out. This is an important lesson to learn: Just because you're used to how your family functions doesn't mean that other people's families are dysfunctional.

Do: Take a moment to reflect on what you see.
As you share this time with your guy's family, see if you can picture yourself habitually spending the holidays with them. If his family members make you feel uncomfortable—maybe they seem completely uninterested in getting to know you or perhaps they scream at each other during dinner—take note. You might want to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend at some point after this first meeting, especially if you're talking about a future together.

Don't: Forget to send a thank you note.
Just as you shouldn't show up without a gift for the host, you shouldn't let a week go by without sending a follow up thanking your guy's parents for the meal and the chance to get to know them.