Doing It All At Once

I am a major planner. In college, I planned every second of my day, right down to what I ate and how many hours of sleep I was permitted. That’s why I was particularly surprised when six months into my relationship with a new boyfriend, I discovered I was pregnant. Pregnancy definitely wasn’t part of my plan. I knew he was “The One” and I had done everything up to that point just as I intended. Wait a month to consummate the relationship. Check. Keep up an active social life so as not to appear too interested. Check. DO NOT say “I love you” first. Check. Do not get pregnant. Oops. But, in the end, who had time to cry about unscheduled events? We had to plan a shotgun wedding and a baby’s arrival.

Ten months after I learned I was pregnant, Baha and I were married with a baby and no clue how to handle it all. During the first three months of our daughter’s life, we were frozen in our condo. We spent our days racing around cleaning up poo and spit-up, while discussing all sorts of interesting topics—like how many bowel movements our daughter had that day. We looked like zombies and could barely carry on adult conversations for lack of sleep. Our relationship had changed. We were no longer spending romantic evenings getting to know each other over bottles of wine or spooning on Sunday mornings as we slept in. Nope. This was boot camp for parents and we had signed up for life.

But then, the baby began to sleep. I feel like it happened overnight. One day we woke up, not to the sound of crying, but to the birds chirping outside. After running to the baby’s room to confirm that she was still alive and only sleeping, we looked at each other and realized we hadn’t bathed or changed our clothes in three days; it was a good thing we were married because no other human would touch us with a ten-foot pole. We remembered that we were also newlyweds, not just comrades in war. And, although we felt a bond over the whole baby experience, our romance clearly needed some igniting. Slowly, I began to take better care of myself even though I still usually had baby food stains on my shoulder and breast milk leaking through my shirt. It was a process.

There are a few hurdles to romance when married-with-child. Planning is required. No last minute date nights or running out to enchanting dinners. No meeting for happy hour to comfort one another after a long day at work. We had to think ahead and be creative, so we began to arrange for a regular babysitter every Wednesday night. Sometimes we had dinner, sometimes drinks, but all that mattered was that we were away from the house and focused on our relationship. Often, I found it difficult to get excited about leaving when I hadn’t slept the night before and there were five loads of laundry calling my name. But, it was essential for us to focus on one another—essential for me to be a woman instead of just a mom, even for only a few hours.

We started to meet friends for dinners, barbeques, and festivals. Sometimes we brought the baby with us. We learned that although our life had changed, we could still enjoy the same activities we did before we had a family, only now we enjoyed them all together. On nights when we needed adult time (just the two of us) and we didn’t want to pay a babysitter, we made romantic dinners at home with candles, music, and wine. We even dressed up as though we were going out. It was nice to take a break and appreciate each other.

Having a child is the hardest thing I have ever done—hands down. Pregnancy and marriage within a year of meeting someone isn’t a piece of cake either. Now, here we are almost three years later and I think we handled the chaos pretty well. Doing it all at once bonded this family more than I could have imagined. We still work at being happy, but good things are worth the effort and having my husband and daughter in my life is the best reward I can imagine.

Photo courtesy of the happy family: Bahadir, Erin and Ayse