Date to Marry Tips from Bari Lyman | Meet to Marry

What you need to know to go from “hit or miss dating” to dating for marriage. By Bari Lyman, author of Meet to Marry.

Make dating a priority.
If finding your future partner is important to you, then don’t hide out and pretend it’s not that important. It won’t just happen like in the movies, so make a plan and give it priority.

Do not spend time with negative people.
Negative people can drag you down. Don’t allow negativity in your space so surround yourself with positive people in all areas.

Always maintain a positive attitude and sense of humor.
This is an exciting adventure you are embarking on, in searching for a life partner. Know that each wrong person will lead you closer to “the one.” It’s best to be light hearted in your approach and see the humor and good points in all of your experiences. If you go to a “bad” singles event, don’t let it get you down, forge ahead. Don’t add “meaning” where there is none. If you hear your negative voice sneaking in, tell it “thank you for sharing” and move on to the next experience. Attend the next event with the mindset that maybe the one you are looking for is also there chuckling at how bad the event is.

Understand that time is precious.
Don’t waste time in negativity or self-doubt. Know that time is something we cannot get back, so if you don’t want to be in the same place in one year or three years, it’s important to get into action now.

Know that conversation makes up for time.
Talking and getting to know each other is far more important so talk, talk, talk. When dating for marriage, you discuss core values, goals and other topics that are important to each person. Quality time spent in heartfelt conversation is far more valuable than years of movie dates.

Know that dating is a numbers game.
You’ll need to meet a lot of people to find “the one.” If you were searching for a pearl in a barrel of oysters, wouldn’t it be worth the search to find that one little gem? That’s exactly what you’re doing! With ten gazillion people in the world, you are in search of the “the one” who is also looking for you.

Evaluate dates based on personal qualities not interests.
Does it really matter if you are interested in golf and he/she is interested in sailing? Find someone with a kind, sincere heart and go from there. You can always teach someone how to play tennis or sail, but you can’t change someone’s essence.

Be someone who is marriageable, available and healthy.
This means you are happy, healthy and complete. While this might seem obvious, it’s good to keep in mind since many of us have come from a long dating history and are taking this on in a whole new way.

Have faith that when the perfect situation arises, you will have the feeling of “Where have you been all of my life?”
When it’s right, things will just flow. Don’t be concerned with questions like, “how will I know if it’s right?” You just will.

Know yourself by understanding what your top five emotional needs are.
Emotional needs, as defined by Dr. Willard F. Harley, author of Marriage Builders, are needs that “...when satisfied leave you with a feeling of happiness and contentment and when unsatisfied leave you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration.” What are some of the things that are super important for you to feel happy? These are the needs that prospective partners share with each other to create empathy and understanding.

Chemistry is important, but it’s not the whole story.
This is the kind of chemistry or attraction that you know at a glance. Relationships need fire. To clarify, it’s not the obsessed, jittery, movie star, heart throbbing passionate attraction, but rather someone with whom you feel a spark. Attraction and chemistry must exist, but a relationship that is based purely on passion and physical attraction will not stand the test of time. Common values, vision, respect, admiration, shared experiences and empathy are qualities that will stand the test of time.

Be your best and feel your best! Love yourself and how you look and feel.
Take an objective look or grab a friend who will be honest and objective. There is nothing like pure self-confidence to make you feel great! What would it take for you to move your personal confidence to the next level? Is there anything that you would like to enhance to feel and be your best? Ladies, men fall in love with their eyes because they are visually oriented. Gentlemen, women fall in love with how someone “is” and how the person makes them feel. Take a look at wardrobe, skin care and personal grooming. A facial or new hair style can make you feel wonderful.

Be 100% free and clear of past attachments.
Attachment to old boyfriends/girlfriends, former dates or former spouses will clog you up energetically and not leave room for “the one” you are looking for. When you are dating for marriage, your commitment to yourself should be that you are a looking for the person who is going to be your spouse and the mother or father of your children (as appropriate), so only stick with friends of the same gender while you are dating for marriage. Even when you are “just friends” male-female energy is still intimate. Cut those ties!

Know that timing is everything in life and this is the perfect time for you to meet him or her.
Be clear and confident that you are a special person and have been travelling a very special journey in life to arrive at this point. Your perfect match has been readying himself or herself for you. No regrets from the past, they just drag you down. Timing is perfect. You lived, you loved and you learned.

Maintain physical boundaries until there is caring and commitment.
If dating has been working for you, skip to the next tip. However, if you are looking for a change, consider maintaining physical boundaries until there is a sense of caring and commitment. Sex before commitment tends to cloud things. Daters who have taken this on, report wonderful results in that they can see each other as potential life partners (without the confusion that sex may cause).

Trust your instincts. Your gut is never wrong.
If someone looks great on paper, but when you meet them you don’t feel anything, don’t second guess yourself. Many people suffer and feel overwhelmed with self-doubt and a fear of loss when it seems like you might be missing out. You’re not. He/she might be great, just not great for you.