Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
When I was twenty-years old, I decided it was time to lose my virginity. I had abstained up to that point because I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t yet found the right guy to give such a wonderful, lovely, flowery gift—ha! I laugh whenever I hear euphemisms for losing your virginity, partly because I never considered it a loss and partly because most euphemisms are juvenile; however, after speaking with several abstaining singles and couples, I gained a new perspective on virginity and abstinence. Though, I have no regrets about that summer evening I chose to give it away to Charles, I respect someone’s decision to wait. I respect the idea that we should reserve certain behaviors for our spouses, and for some that means reserving sex.
Below, four women share their reasons for abstaining and explain how the decision has impacted their relationships.
The Bachelor’s Corrie Adamson
24 years old, single
Are you waiting for marriage?
Yes
What or whom motivates you to wait?
I grew up in a strong Christian home where sex was a comfortable subject in our house. I never thought of sex as a bad thing so I figured I’d wait.
From what age did you know that you would wait and how did you come to this realization?
When I was 14, I went to a Christian summer camp and they did a talk about saving yourself. Something clicked with me that summer and made me realize that the decision was not just about me and what I was doing. One day I’m going to have to tell my husband what I’ve done and that’s what made me think that I want to tell him that I waited for him and that that’s a way I was able to love him without having met him.
Did you share your decision with friends and family and were they encouraging?
Totally encouraging. Both of my older sisters were virgins when they got married. My friends have always been really supportive of it. They haven’t all made that same decision, but I feel like they are encouraging.
How does virginity impact your dating life? Are you up front with men? How do they typically react?
I guess I’ve dated all great guys. I’ve been in a couple serious relationships and during my last one, the guy hadn’t made the decision to wait, but he definitely respected it and loved that about me.
I’m upfront with men, but I don’t reveal it on the first day or anything. If I think it’s progressing to a relationship, we’ll have that discussion. I haven’t dated guys who’ve wanted to take that from me.
Are you happy/proud of your decision?
Very. As I mentioned, it doesn’t define me, but it’s part of who I am.
Rebecca
29 years old; in a four-year relationship with a man who is not a virgin.
Are you waiting for marriage?
Yes
What or whom motivates you to wait?
My faith is the motivating factor. I grew up in a Christian home where these kinds of values were instilled in us at an early age.
You’re boyfriend is not a virgin. How does this impact your relationship?
He knew before we started dating that I am a virgin and I plan to remain one until the wedding night, so he had all the facts up front. He’s seen me naked. It’s not a situation where we feel we have to hide ourselves or that we can’t be intimate with one another because we’re afraid we might be overcome with sexual tension and accidentally have sex. We’re both on the same page.
Is waiting tough?
Yes. I have questioned my decision…there have been times when I thought “I’m an adult. Adults have sex,” but my boyfriend has encouraged me to wait. After all, we’ve come this far! What’s another year or two?
Molly & Jason
23 years old, married, both virgins before marriage
What or whom motivated you to wait?
Our faith.
From what age did you know that you would wait and how did you come to this realization?
We knew we would wait since we became Christians in our early childhood.
Did you share your decision with friends and family and were they encouraging?
It was always common knowledge that we would wait and, yes, they were always supportive.
Are you happy/proud of your decision?
Very happy and proud. It was not always easy.
Lucy
25 years old, single
Are you waiting for marriage?
My plan as of right now is to abstain until marriage. I can’t say whether or not that will hold true until I am married, but that is what I have planned for.
What or whom motivates you to wait?
My primary motivation is faith-based. I believe that sex is a great thing, but I want it to be with someone that I love. I don’t want to share that experience with someone that I am not married to. Yes, I think that you can be in love and not be married, but I think that sex is something that is supposed to be special. I want my marriage relationship to be different from any other relationship that I have.
From what age did you know that you would wait and how did you come to this realization?
I don’t know when I came to this actual realization. I guess as far as I can remember I always thought of sex as something that is reserved for a marriage relationship. As far as making the decision for myself, I was probably a senior in high school when I took ownership of that decision and made it mine.
Did you share your decision with friends and family and were they encouraging?
I never really talked about it with family. I think my friends knew without me actually verbalizing my decision. I don’t think my friends were ever encouraging about it, but they were always supportive of my own decisions. That decision did not change who I am.
How does/has virginity impact your dating life? Do you feel it’s a hindrance or that it could be?
I don’t think that my virginity has impacted my dating life. I think it makes me feel a little self-conscious because I am less experienced than most women my age, but I don’t think it has had a severe positive or negative impact on me. I hope that it is an attractive quality, although I am not sure what most guys think.
